I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!