I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
pictures of spider-man
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅