Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

groan^2

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

lol

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.