I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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Hmm, not sure about this change
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
