I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father