Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

road rage

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.