I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Basically.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account