I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Cannot stop laughing at this
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
philosophical skeletons be like
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Happens to everyone.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.