I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Flock of bats
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again