Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*