I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?