I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
🤣😂🤣😂
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?