Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?