I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.