I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
When you kidnap a writer.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw