I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
me: (11 pm) 馃槾
me: (1 am) 馃槾
me: (3 am) 馃槾
me: (5 am) 馃槾
me: (7 am) 馃槼DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
In my 20鈥檚: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40鈥檚: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister鈥檚 toys.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn鈥檛 really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 馃巹馃巺馃徎馃寖
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The most accurate map ever devised.
stephen king鈥檚 wife鈥檚 name is stephen queen
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
馃
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Sing it!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don鈥檛 want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Those Weren鈥檛 Raisinets: A Mouse Tale