I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song