Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

how much for the angry fruit?

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.