Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

your elf on the shelf was delicious

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.