I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.


My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.


A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.


I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!


As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.


My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.


ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha

PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord


My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.


*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*


Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home