I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
When someone trying to leave me
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
#SaturdayBears
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
🙅🏻
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.