@BiIIMurray

I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.

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@KylePlantEmoji

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

@BamDebikins

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

@OakHill_

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

@Underchilde

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

@Snarfernini

He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

@AaronFullerton

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.