My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Megan with an h? Whatever Hmegan….
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.
He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.