I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.

You Might Also Like


If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.


You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.


Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.


I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece


Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray


So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.


Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.


“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?