Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me trying to look natural in photos
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.