@BiIIMurray

I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.

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@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@JD_KC

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

@lotusflowerom

Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.

@Riocakes

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

@kibblesmith

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

@4SLars

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

@dyldonot

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

@jwoodham

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?