Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.
Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
10. He is a cat.
*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’