I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics

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Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.

Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!


wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you


[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.


WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof


Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.


Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.


Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.


I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.


10 signs that he’s just not that into you

10. He is a cat.


*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’