Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!