I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
No flush
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY