I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.