I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea