@AimeeHelene1

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

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@Discourt

INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.

@LeonEarlgrey

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

@fro_vo

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

@GrantTanaka

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.