INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
You Might Also Like
Attention fat vegans:
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.