I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.