Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

🍛

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

Pat is about to own someone

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

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