Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Sing it!

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.