I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
hackers play passwordle
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair