I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
🤣
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My what?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa