Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great