@ddsmidt

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

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@Parkerlawyer

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

@AimeeHelene1

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

@KKAlThani

I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

@KylePlantEmoji

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

@ArfMeasures

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

@Marlebean

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

@GrantTanaka

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.