I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
You Might Also Like
(more comics:
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏