I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face