Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🥴😂

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

calling in to work dehydrated

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location