Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

synchronized noseblowing

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.