I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
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No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary