Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

multitasking lunch

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No