I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.