Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Stop being racist to kettles.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*