I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
You Might Also Like
Not with that attitude
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
FINE, I WON’T.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.