I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”