Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.