Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.