Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.