Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.