I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?