I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I love the National Park Service.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?