I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You Might Also Like
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?