Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

*pronounces woah like Noah*

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?