Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?