I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
weird email i got today
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is