I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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In space, no one can hear…
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.