I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
The three genders
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
A woman drives into a bar.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.