Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
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*stands by cucumbers at grocery store
*hides by baby carrots
*gets ego boost
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….
Lets call it tie, ok?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….