I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.

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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises


I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.


(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond


HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]


MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*


If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]


If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.