I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.

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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


*stands by cucumbers at grocery store

*feels intimidated

*hides by baby carrots

*gets ego boost


Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.


Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place


WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.


PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.


My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.


[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.


Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….

Lets call it tie, ok?


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….