The three genders
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room