I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
live, laugh, laundry.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I was bored.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen