I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Easy enough.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.