Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?