I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat