I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him