I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.