I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Gemma Correll
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
in the ocean
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
it is time once again
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out