I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
pizza
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk