Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

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-Octopus preparing for a fight

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Too easy.

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed