I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.