I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I bet
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*