Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

me at the job i begged god for

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.