I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You Might Also Like
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Lube but for my dry humor.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today