Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow