“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
the prophecies have been fulfilled
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many