“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
making my dog give me my pills
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents