“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
You Might Also Like
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Yup….perfect score!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I