@AndyAsAdjective

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

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@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

@trojansauce

GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?

GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon

@duumb

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@semple42

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

@Pro_Jones_

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

@better_off_dad

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’