I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.