Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

my astrological sign is a french fry

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

Is this anything

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.