Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.