I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.