I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
HOW DARE YOU
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.