Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.