I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.