I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder