I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
You Might Also Like
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
not seeing the problem
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My love language is hissing.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Thank heavens for community notes
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i