I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
waiting for halloween be like:
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend